A Lively Night at Cook Off

"PatBateman" (PatBateman) 10/05/2014 at 01:26 • Filed to: MUD

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So tonight my wife and I went to the local County Fair's Cook Off, which was fun. Lots of great BBQ, good bands, and friends. What was more interesting was the muddy ass fields everyone had to park on.

My wife said she was tired and ready to leave by about 11, so we started walking to the truck. Along the way, we realized that, from the many cars traversing the grass and the heavy rain we received 48 hours prior, the land was getting a bit mushy. More than a bit mushy, really. It had become a mud pit in certain areas.

As many of you know, I drive a 4x4 Ford F150. It's not a bro truck, but rather a tasteful Lariat crew cab iteration. Of course, we didn't take that. It would have made too much sense to do that. We took my wife's 2WD Expedition Limited. Nice truck, but not necessarily conducive to getting out of a mud pit(s).

I had a feeling we were in for a bad time pulling out when we started walking by a lady in an Infiniti FX35 that was literally screaming at people trying to help her get her ride out of the mud. Her snowflake of an SUV had sunk into the land simply by being parked. There was a tow truck trying desperately to get to her, but it was stuck as well. SHIT.

There is a happy ending to this story, though. With the guidance of three deputies on four-wheelers, we made it out of our spot, through the mud/aisles of cars, and back onto the road. How, you ask, were we the exception to the rule in this scenario? Easy: I know how to drive in mud. Here are the rules you need to know:

1. Never stop in the mud.

2. NEVER STOP IN THE MUD.

3. Get momentum up before reaching the mud.

4. Refer to rules number 1 and 2.

I'd be lying if I said that I was never worried about getting stuck, but a little experience from youthful automotive off road transgressions paid off. And now I'm having a scotch at home while probably 500 people are pissed off and dirty.

Cheers ().

Diesel > PatBateman 10/05/2014 at 02:10

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What kind of scotch? I'm drinking Crown and watching the F1 race.

PatBateman > Diesel 10/05/2014 at 02:20

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Johnny Walker Red Label. It's the only scotch I had left. I have a nice crystal scotch decanter that needs to be filled with something. It'll probably be some JW Double Black next week (STUPID BLUE LAWS THAT WON'T ALLOW ME TO BUY LIQUOR ON SUNDAYS!!!).

Diesel > PatBateman 10/05/2014 at 02:22

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I am disappointed. I am going to pickup a bottle of Glenlivet 18 this week. Back to classy drinks.

PatBateman > Diesel 10/05/2014 at 02:26

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Quality over quantity.

Have you tried Double Black? It's relatively inexpensive and is quite good.

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > PatBateman 10/05/2014 at 02:30

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Also, do not use the Colin McRae rule. Always maintain a consistent throttle position, do not try to power out when you think you are getting stuck. My friend never got that concept. Though, I have adapted the Toyota, "It's not like I'm going to kill it" technique. Has worked 100% of the time, and has pulled a Z71 and F150 out, who did not follow either rule.

Diesel > PatBateman 10/05/2014 at 02:32

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I have not. I normally bring a bottle of JW Black when I go to a party. It's decent and I don't mind leaving the bottle at the end of the night. When I lived overseas, I only drank JW Blue but it only cost 85 a bottle.

PatBateman > Diesel 10/05/2014 at 02:44

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$85?!?! Hell, I got two fingers of JW Blue in Destin a few years ago for $60!!!

Diesel > PatBateman 10/05/2014 at 02:52

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Perks of being in the military. No taxes on liquor or cigarettes. I could buy Korean Marlboros for 10 dollars a carton. And Cuban cigars were available and cheap in the local market.